If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't think brook has ever known best
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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