Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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