so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
