Your mouth is God's brothel.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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