I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
