did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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