dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
