I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
