I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
