She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
