I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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