i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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