The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
