He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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