After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
