My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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