you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She bit a glass in half.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
