sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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