Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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