no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
