I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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