I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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