New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
