What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
