They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
