Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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