I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
