Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
