we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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