He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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