I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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