And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
