your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
