moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
