The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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