Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
