I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
