i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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