The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
