I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
