Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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