im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
