Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
