My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
