He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
