The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
