Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
