I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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