I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
