Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
