She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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