You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
